Dr. Linda Nielsen

Excerpts

 MONEY

 "We’re always arguing about money. Why can’t he loosen up?"
"My daughter treats me like a banking machine. When will she grow up?"
"Dad seemed to care more about his job than about me when I was growing up."
"Why can’t my daughter appreciate what I have done for her financially?"
"I hate the way he gripes at mom when he gets home from work."
"When I was her age, I already had a good job. Why can’t she settle into something?"
"He acts as if paying for my wedding is bankrupting him.Why is he ruining this for me?"  
"Sometimes she seems to care more about my money than about me."

Men’s Money: Women’s Love

             Do these comments ring a bell?  Probably so because money and work have a big impact on most dads’ relationships with their relationships.
             So let’s start with this sad reality: Many men believe that how much money they earn effects the way women feel about them.  Dad, now’s your chance to share your experiences and your feelings about money and fear – a man’s fear of losing a woman’s love if he loses his job or never earns as much as she expected him to, his fear of not finding a woman who will love because he’s not as rich as the next guy, his fear of not being admired as much as the other dads because he can’t buy his daughter the things that they can. As a daughter, this might sound like nonsense. But then you’re not a man. Yes, it’s possible that your dad doesn’t feel this way. But the fact remains: Millions of fathers do believe that earning plenty of money is the yardstick used to measure them as husbands and fathers. And when he fails to measure up, he fears losing his family’s admiration or respect.
             So are fathers right? Do some daughters and wives love or admire men partly for their money? Seems so. For instance, in a recent survey most college students said that making money was a major part of being a good father. And daughters whose dads help them out financially as adults are more likely to take care of their fathers in old age than daughters who don’t get any money from their dads. Yes, women usually marry men whose incomes are higher than theirs. Rarely does a woman "marry down" – marry a man from a lower economic class than hers.  Not surprisingly, only 20% of wives earn more than their husbands. And the closer his wife’s income gets to his, the worse a man often feels about himself as a husband. There’s also a connection between a man’s money and his wife having the freedom not to work. Only half of the wives whose husbands earn more $120,000 a year work – usually part time – compared to 80% of other wives. And too many of us do criticize and judge men far more harshly than women if they don’t earn "enough" for their families.     
           We might want to deny these uncomfortable realities. But it’s hard to deny the messages that bombard us in most movies and TV shows: a man’s money does matter – a lot. Think about these blockbusters: "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", "Pretty Woman" "Maid in Manhattan", "Father of the Bride", and "The Sopranos". Now ask yourself: Did these wives and daughters seem to be enjoying dad’s money – the fancy restaurants, vacations, big house, expensive cars, lavish weddings? For sure! For decades most movies have shown that dad’s role is to buy things for his daughter – and the more he buys, the more she loves and admires him.
            Now what does this have to do with your father-daughter relationship?  Just this: If you believe that the "best" dads have to earn plenty of money, then dad is going to spend a lot of time away from his family trying to live up to that expectation. More money = less time with his daughter. Pretty simple. Sadly too, many daughters grow up expecting dad to show his love with money – an expensive wedding, her own car, a private college education, a horse, a down payment on her house. If dad can’t measure up, then what? And if he does measure up, what exactly is it that we’ve measured – his paycheck or his love?    

Banking on Dad
              After a daughter finishes high school, money tends to create more tension between her and her dad. Why? Partly because college expenses come into play: Who is going to pay for what? How much will dad pay? How much will daughter pay? What’s reasonable for her to spend each month? And if she isn’t going to college, how much is dad supposed to help her out financially? If she has a job and lives at home, how much is she going to chip in for food and rent? And at what point is dad going to stop giving her money? When is she going to be self-reliant – after college graduation? after graduate school? after she’s married? after she turns thirty? never?
             If you two haven’t already resolved these matters, it’s time. You need to have some long talks about the questions in Banking on Dad. Daughters, be sure you have your facts straight. Study the Money Matters box. Memorize these facts. Keep these financial realities front and center when talking to your dad.        

---------                                     Banking On Dad?
How do each of you feel about these matters?
0 = absolutely not    1= maybe 2 = probably    3 = definitely

Daughter   Dad
After his children graduate from high school, dad should:
___      ___      continue to pay all my educational & living expenses
___      ___      loan me money instead of telling me to get a bank loan
___      ___      pay for my graduate school education, or part of it
___      ___      pay for most (or all) of my wedding.
___      ___      set aside some money for me as an inheritance
___      ___      let me live at home for free after I’ve finished school & have a job
___      ___      help me make a down payment on a house
___      ___      pay for most (or all) of my first car
___      ___      pay for my health and car insurance until I finish my education
___      ___      offer to give me money whenever I need it
___      ___      Your Scores (30 possible)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
            
         The higher your scores, the more the daughter is still banking on dad to help her out. Most dads want their adult daughters to be financially self-reliant – the sooner, the better. But some dads enjoy being their daughter’s banker as much as she enjoys being daddy’s little girl who relies on his money. If this is the arrangement the two of you make, just remember the Golden Rule: He who has the gold, makes the rules. When a daughter accepts the "gold" from her dad, it can – and often does - complicate the relationship. Both of you need to consider:  How much of a say is dad going to have in his daughter’s decisions as long as he is still bankrolling her? Where will you draw the line?  How much of dad’s money is on the line? What price will he pay later in terms of retiring or being free to work less? Why does dad keep handing over the money? Is he insecure about how much his daughter loves him? Is he trying to make up for something he thinks he hasn’t given her? Even if he is rich enough to keep helping her for the rest of his life, is that in her best interests – or in your relationship’s best interests?  
         I can’t tell you what financial arrangement is best for you. But I can tell you to be up front with each other. Make your arrangement clear. Daughters, just keep in mind: If you want your dad to stop treating you like a little girl, you have to behave like an adult financially.  And dads, keep these thoughts in mind. Even though you love your daughter, you don’t have to prove your love with money. You can be a very loving dad and still say "Enough. You’re on your own." Getting your daughter to stand on her own two feet isn’t mean or cold hearted. And just because you can afford to keep helping her out doesn’t necessarily mean that is the wise thing to do.