Dr. Linda Nielsen

Excerpts

ADVICE OR INTERFERENCE?
            The most common complaint I hear form daughters of every age is: "My dad is always trying to tell me how to run my life – always criticizing me. He treats me like a child. He needs to trust my judgment instead of giving me advice. I just want him to understand my feelings." And from dads what I usually hear is: "Whenever I try to help my daughter, she snaps my head off and accuses me of trying to ruin her life. I want to save her from making the same mistakes I made when I was her age. I love her so much that I don’t want her to go through what I went through. But when I try to give her advice she either clams up or explodes. It’s like she wants me to listen to her complain and watch her suffer without doing anything." What’s going on here? Why do so many fathers and daughters end up hurt or frustrated when dad is trying to give advice? Generally speaking, there are three pieces to this puzzle:
            Empathize then advise: Unlike a male, a female is usually taught to talk about how the other person is feeling before offering any advice. She shows this empathy by saying things like: "I know just how you feel. Something like that happened to me once and it was awful." "You must have felt so embarrassed when that happened" "I bet you’re heartbroken, aren’t you?" The most women have been taught to gently offer advice in a carefully worded, tentative way: "Do you think it might help if…," "One thing I did when I was in a similar situation like yours was…" "I’m not sure this would work, but you might want to."
            In contrast, most males have been taught to jump right in and offer advice on how to fix whatever is wrong – whether it’s a broken heart or a broken car. Because the loving father can’t bear to see his daughter unhappy, he tries to ease her pain by offering solutions to whatever is upsetting her. He’s not an insensitive idiot who doesn’t understand how she feels. After all, he’s probably been through similar situations himself. But why dwell on the feelings of misery? What good does that do? Let’s get on with outing an end to her pain. So dad does what he had been trained to do: rescue his daughter from her pain as quickly as he can by giving her advice.
            Blunt Nurturance: Most men have been taught to communicate more bluntly and more directly than women – which many of us find refreshing but which daughters often find upsetting. For instance, dad might say "Your boyfriend sure bosses you around a lot." While mom might say: "Have you ever wondered if you ought to speak up a little more for yourself with your boyfriend?" Both parents are being nurturing. But odds are that dad’s blunt, direct style if going to upset his daughter – unless she learns to recognize the tender motives than on his blunt words. Dads, be a little less blunt so your daughters have an easier time seeing your nurturing, protective motives.
            Who is judging you? When someone gives us advice, we often tell ourselves: She thinks I’m an idiot. He’s ashamed of me. I’m a failure." In fact though, the harshest judgment and criticism are usually coming from you, not the other person. That nagging, critical voice that’s saying "you screwed up" or "you’re an idiot" is yours, not the other person’s. In your father-daughter relationship it’s usually dad who is giving the advice – because he’s got more experience and because one of the unpleasant responsibilities of being a loving parent is to advise your kids. As a dad remember that your daughter – no matter how old she is – may still be trying to prove to you that she’s an intelligent, mature person. So when you’re giving her advice, she’s thinking: How am I going to prove to dad that I’m not an idiot?
            As a daughter, why not let your dad know that you need a little reassurance along with his advice? You might say: "I’m getting the feeling that you think I’m immature and irresponsible. It sure would help right now if you’d let me know that you think I generally do a pretty good job in handling things." "I’m feeling like you’re really ashamed of me – that I’m a huge embarrassment to you. Am I? When daughters do this, they’re usually surprised to hear their fathers say such things as: "I’m not mad at you. I’m just scared. I’m scared that worse things will happen to you if you don’t follow some of my advice." "Of course I don’t think you’re stupid. It’s just that I learned the hard way about this sort of thing and I don’t want to see you get hurt the way I did."