Dr. Linda Nielsen

Excerpts

COMMUNICATING

Feeling more comfortable
          Why is it that the more important a conversation is with someone we love, the more likely we are to mess it up? Why do we usually say and do the most hurtful and stupid things in our "crucial’ conversations? In part it’s because we feel vulnerable and afraid – afraid that the relationship is going to be worse off if we speak honestly or share our true feelings. And when we feel vulnerable or afraid, we communicate at our worst. So use the "Crucial Conversations" checklist to see what each of you does that makes the other vulnerable or afraid. The higher your scores, the more difficult it is for the two of you to have a crucial conversation. Look at the next quiz for ways to improve your crucial conversations

Your Crucial Conversations
How do you each generally behave when you’re having a "crucial" conversation?
0 = never         1 = rarely         2 = usually       3 = almost always
Father Daughter
_____   ___ Clamming up
_____   ____Only giving short answers
_____   ____Joking or laughing at a serious comment
_____   ____Making insults or sarcastic remarks
_____   ____Walking away
_____   ____Hanging up
_____   ____Changing the subject
_____   ____Exaggerating in order to make a point
_____   ____Yelling or cursing
_____   ____Sidestepping or avoiding questions
_____   ____Looking or sounding bored or uninterested
_____   ____Name calling
_____   ____Crying or pouting
_____   ____Making "all or nothing" comments (never, always, everyone)
_____   ____Labeling each other ("you men", "you college kids")
_____   ____Denying that you are upset when you are
_____    ____Interrupting a lot
_____   ____Talking louder or faster
_____   ____Attacking the other’s intelligence
_____   ____Acting as if the topic is trivial or unimportant
_____   ____Score (60 possible)

Remember that the goal is to help one another feel comfortable enough to talk honestly and openly. This can only happen when you understand what you and the other person are afraid might happen in an honest conversation. So before you start a crucial conversation, ask yourself: What are we each afraid might happen if we talk honestly and openly? What can each of us do to put one another at ease?